What if
by Contradictation
Summary: What if it was Kurt who said "I did once," when they were talking in the circle. This is my take on What if Kurt had tried to take his own life in the past and how he came to be sitting in his spot in the circle.


**So, as I was watching the Episode "On My Way," I was waiting for when Kurt would admit that he had come across suicide in his life, but when it didn't happen, I thought what if he did. So this is my take on what if he had thought about it in the past. **

**If you are uncomfortable reading something that deals with suicide, then you should probably hit the back button, but if you want to continue you are more than welcome to. **

**On another note, I do not own Glee in any shape or form.**

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><p>"Mr. Schue, look I know we are a little dramatic at time, but I don't think anyone would consider taking their own life," Mercedes said looking at everyone in the group. Mr. Schue looked around he was about to talk about his experience when another voice spoke.<p>

"I did once," Kurt spoke,

Everyone in the whole group stopped to stare at him, including the teacher. Blaine had moved from his spot and took a seat next to Kurt and placed his arm around his shoulder holding him close. He heard about this, and how close he almost came to not meeting Kurt. Another person who looked like they already knew the story was Finn.

"What are you talking about Kurt?" the speaker was Rachel; she thought that she knew everything about Kurt.

"When I was 11, that was when I could fully understand why people were calling me names, and harassing not only me, by my father as well. When I was twelve, I learned from over hearing a couple parents talking during a school meeting. They were talking about how they were looking for a new mechanic because they did not want to place their business with someone who could raise a homosexual. Thought I was still in the closet, it hurt me really bad. I tried to stay strong, but when I would hear my father on the phone talking with people about the recent decrease in customers, and how my father would talk. I could see how much it hurts him. People who he became good friends with left his service because of the way I was growing up. This happened everywhere. No matter where I went, people were judging not only me, but my father as well. When my father was refused service one day because of how I looked that was when I started planning. At first I did not understand suicide. I remember getting note in my lockers and letter from people talking about how I should kill myself and not spread the disease. Some even had instructions. There was at least seven letters in my locker a week that would discourage me, or belittle me, or tease me. So instead of throwing them out, I kept them and placed them in a box in my locker, this way I was the only person who could find them.

It was a sunny day, there were hardly any clouds in the sky, and the wind was blowing softly. It was a Saturday; my father was working that day in the garage and left me at home. He said that he would be going out for lunch with some of the guys so I basically had the whole day to myself to get ready. The night before I had written a letter to my father explaining why I did this, and where he could find the letter that people had placed in my locker."

Kurt took a deep breath, looked at everyone around him, "There is a reason why my father will not allow guns in the house." He could hear everyone take an intake of break.

"When I was ten, my father told me about the gun in the house, and that the only reason it was here was for our protection, it was the year there have been break and enters around our community and people getting really hurt by the people doing the felony. Luckily, no one broke into our house, but the gun stayed where it was until that Saturday. I placed the letter on the table in the kitchen and grabbed the gun; I went into the bathroom and place the gun against my head. My hands were shaking, and I was sobbing. I mean this was it, I pull the trigger and everything was going to be over.

Over my cries, I did not hear the door open, or my father returning for some papers he had forgot. I didn't hear him call out my name, or that fact that he could hear me crying. I was just about to pull the trigger when he called my name and ran over throw the gun away before collecting me in his arms. When I had come to my senses, I was angry, why wouldn't my father let me do this to myself. I remember hitting him with my fist against his chest, screaming at him, trying to get away, but he tightened his hold on me. He lifted me into his arms and brought me down the stairs and to the car. He placed me in the passenger seat and held my hand tight in his grip.

He brought me to a hospital where they placed me under suicide watch, I was stuck in the hospital for a week, and I was never alone. That was the darkest time of my life, and thinking back, all I can say to myself was why, killing myself wouldn't make things easier, however I could remember thinking at that moment that everything would be."

When he finished his story, everyone had tears running down their face. They never thought that their friend, the one who seemed the strongest person in there whole group, had been so close to killing himself, that he wouldn't be sitting here.

"After that year, I never thought about taking that route again, when something was bothering me, I would go to my father and together we would work it out and he would make me feel better. Even now, we still have our talks, only we involve the whole family." He explained.

"Generally, my father saved my life that day and I will always be grateful because if he hadn't forgotten that paper, I would have never been, I would have never met each and every one of you, I would not have the best brother and new mother in the world, and I would not have found Blaine." Kurt said.

Everyone in the whole group didn't know what to say, how you comfort someone who attempted to take their only life a long time ago and sorry would seem kind of wrong because it was not their fault.

"Kurt, I'm glad you are here, because if not we would have to deal with Rachel's horrible wardrobe." Mercedes said.

"Yeah, Dude, if you weren't here, you would have never made the winning goal for our team, or made my mom happier then I has ever seen her." Finn said.

"Yes, Kurt, believe it or not, you have the changed many lives in the group," Mr. Schue said standing up, "And for that I believe that you should receive one big hug from the whole group." Everyone in the group stood up and moved towards Kurt.

Kurt's eyes widened and he stood up, bringing Blaine with him, as well backing up, only to be trapped in Blaine's arms as everyone moved in and gave him one big hug ignoring his protests of ruining his hair or his clothes before he too joined in with the laughing pile.

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><p><strong>I won't say I hope you enjoyed reading this because, people should not enjoy reading something about this issue, but I hope you appreciate what I had written and feel free to comment. <strong>


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